Back to Life.

10:04p

09/24/09

At the end of the day . . . students are the ones that make your "world." After all this time - I was feeling like my world was over - it was void of something that I felt so real and honest. It was a feeling I had never felt before and still ceasing to know the answer to. For the first time in a while . . . I still wonder . . . but the feeling that I have now is not quite the same. I wish I knew what it was that I felt. It's kinda like I visually see pictures in my brain, but feel the presence amongst what was. I guess it's the spirit of the class - the spirit of the presence that will always linger. My missing is turning into memories (lip poked out bc I don't want that). BUT I guess that that's ok. Right? (I'm smiling now . . .) Today, they missed me - my old students missed me.

They came and said Hi - the hugs, the "we wish you were still our teacher," the do you remember my name? - I felt loved today. I don't feel that often. (tearing up) I . . . have words but no words. Lots of words but how do I say them? One was tired today, last wk she was full of joy. The other couldn't dance today, but I feel her heart in the room. And . . . (giggle) - she's getting better. bc of me? idk. And new one is so special - grounded, but not. lol. "Improv is so theraputic." - That's exactly how I feel! She felt how I feel . . . hmmmmmm. I'm starting to have the feeling that I should write a column . . . what would it be called? Ms.ssssing D. haha but it could work. I miss myself. And I never felt alive until I was Ms. D. And at the same time, I miss all of "them." - they're my kids. like my kids . . . without giving birth that is. One told me today that - I love when you do "this" with your hands - I love that." - I loved that - made me feel (breath, subtle tears). (slight giggle) The one from last year. Oh. She comes into the end of class sometimes and reminds me of what I'm also missing. Her. (Sigh) Good thing I decided to leave them with something special last year - that box. (getting more teary-eyed . . . get it together on the train.) Man, Love has so many different forms - today. The keychains. They had them . . . (wiping my eyes) Thinking . . . They really had them - Everything you do is NOT in vain. I loved them. I love them now and I will ALWAYS love them . . . they're my kids. Living, not Leaving. LOVE.

Wait! I forgot something! - Maybe Modern is my thing. Or Contemporary. lol. Contemporary Modern. haha - maybe that's what makes me feel alive . . . no structure. Just concepts. Sequences. Ideas. Practices. Discovery. What not to do. What to incorporate. Bc today was a good day for level 3? The sweat, the work, the sequences . . . the smiles, the "I know what I should be doing, but I'm just not doing it." haha Good group of kids - connected to the floor. A disconnection when they stand up . . . hmmmmm. I guess I'm the connective tissue. That was a good class until the last 20min, when I lost what to do. But it's ok bc Improv always brings me back. - Back to see what they need. There's no restriction! (giggle) Someone said that today and I was like: good word, but no. It's crazy bc when I think of the word restriction now . . . it brings me back to "that" place. . . when I found out that there were student/teacher boundaries. - Boundaries of love. How much to love them. But I do. I genuinely do. They're my kids. I started to change my game, but today they brought me back to life. ~

10:51p