Back to Life.

10:04p

09/24/09

At the end of the day . . . students are the ones that make your "world." After all this time - I was feeling like my world was over - it was void of something that I felt so real and honest. It was a feeling I had never felt before and still ceasing to know the answer to. For the first time in a while . . . I still wonder . . . but the feeling that I have now is not quite the same. I wish I knew what it was that I felt. It's kinda like I visually see pictures in my brain, but feel the presence amongst what was. I guess it's the spirit of the class - the spirit of the presence that will always linger. My missing is turning into memories (lip poked out bc I don't want that). BUT I guess that that's ok. Right? (I'm smiling now . . .) Today, they missed me - my old students missed me.

They came and said Hi - the hugs, the "we wish you were still our teacher," the do you remember my name? - I felt loved today. I don't feel that often. (tearing up) I . . . have words but no words. Lots of words but how do I say them? One was tired today, last wk she was full of joy. The other couldn't dance today, but I feel her heart in the room. And . . . (giggle) - she's getting better. bc of me? idk. And new one is so special - grounded, but not. lol. "Improv is so theraputic." - That's exactly how I feel! She felt how I feel . . . hmmmmmm. I'm starting to have the feeling that I should write a column . . . what would it be called? Ms.ssssing D. haha but it could work. I miss myself. And I never felt alive until I was Ms. D. And at the same time, I miss all of "them." - they're my kids. like my kids . . . without giving birth that is. One told me today that - I love when you do "this" with your hands - I love that." - I loved that - made me feel (breath, subtle tears). (slight giggle) The one from last year. Oh. She comes into the end of class sometimes and reminds me of what I'm also missing. Her. (Sigh) Good thing I decided to leave them with something special last year - that box. (getting more teary-eyed . . . get it together on the train.) Man, Love has so many different forms - today. The keychains. They had them . . . (wiping my eyes) Thinking . . . They really had them - Everything you do is NOT in vain. I loved them. I love them now and I will ALWAYS love them . . . they're my kids. Living, not Leaving. LOVE.

Wait! I forgot something! - Maybe Modern is my thing. Or Contemporary. lol. Contemporary Modern. haha - maybe that's what makes me feel alive . . . no structure. Just concepts. Sequences. Ideas. Practices. Discovery. What not to do. What to incorporate. Bc today was a good day for level 3? The sweat, the work, the sequences . . . the smiles, the "I know what I should be doing, but I'm just not doing it." haha Good group of kids - connected to the floor. A disconnection when they stand up . . . hmmmmm. I guess I'm the connective tissue. That was a good class until the last 20min, when I lost what to do. But it's ok bc Improv always brings me back. - Back to see what they need. There's no restriction! (giggle) Someone said that today and I was like: good word, but no. It's crazy bc when I think of the word restriction now . . . it brings me back to "that" place. . . when I found out that there were student/teacher boundaries. - Boundaries of love. How much to love them. But I do. I genuinely do. They're my kids. I started to change my game, but today they brought me back to life. ~

10:51p

whispers in the wind . . .

"In essence, still in my conscious and ever supported inmost . . . days use to be weakening, hours hopeful, and min by min memories . . . now, the unsure is stronger and depth is becoming richer. Understanding will always be meek and regrets can not last forever ~ I am, who I am and that's all I can be."

One day I lost you - how did that happen? I had you. I really did. Everything in my grasp, but the actual skeleton. I still don't know what happen. I whisper in the wind for moments at a time, in hope . . . you heard me - one time, some time. Maybe? I look at that name and it kills me - like sharp pains . . . no! gasps of air . . . shock? What is it doing to me? I don' t get it. "There will be no negotiations." I'm told. But why - I keep asking. Standing still . . . Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind got me - to me. Happy is the man standing still . . . memories lost, joy with pain, happy with lost? I'm still pondering this very effective metaphor of the existing. That beginning quote - does that make sense . . . do you understand it? Did you see it? Did you contemplate it for one second? or are you numb to my existence now. Am I that mere memory. Lacuna, Inc. I wish there was such a thing sometimes . . . to have things . . . people erased from your memory so you won't feel the pain anymore. The hurt. The harbor. The way it used to be. The scariness that this has become for me! Am I ok? I don't know anymore. This person I view you as is twisted and unexplainable. Though NOT lurking, or medieval, or in a vulgar type viewing . . . just scared. SERIOUSLY. of what this "inspiration" has become for me and how it has affected ___. One day I lost you. I'm losing . . . my mind, wrapped up in ___. Listen to me . . . can you hear me in the wind? It's such a beautiful night. Trust the me, inside of me. The me WE met . . . a year ago now. The purity in heart that I KNOW is from God; It hasn't wanted anything but to say: I'M SORRY. BELIEVE in me again -

9/8/09

Pain vs. Joy

Question of the night:

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Can you get mad at God when you constantly endure pain?

. . . if pain is all you feel, then when does the joy come? Only for moments . . . "Joy in the midst of pain" - you've heard that phrase. How? Pain is becoming the constant and Joy has faded away. People say that "You decide your own destiny." "You choose if you're going to have a better day." "If you put it out in the universe . . . it will happen." What will happen? Suppression of reality. Yes - I think.

Now, I was never beaten or grew up in a broken home or was a foster child. But I do know pain. - And life's heartaches . . . Everyday - someone asks me, "How are you?" Do they really want to know or are they just asking? I don't think that they reaaaaaaallllllyyyy want to know. Bc you're the "Debbie Downer" right? Riiiiiight. You see yourself that way - I, see myself that way. But I don't want to be - when I see my friends loving life and experiencing things that I have yet been able to experience . . . it's hard (for lack of better words). I don't see myself like others see me - bc what others see is the fake me - the me that has to 'keep it together' in public. They don't see the real me - the one crying in the middle of the night, the one with no one to talk to, the one knelt down by my bed praying, "Lord, I don't understand . . . " - the one who feels like she's missing out on the joys of life - just to "handle" the pain. So again, do you get mad at God? Bc I'm a little mad right now. And the WHY - only few know.

08/25/09

Paying the price~

I never knew that being a teacher came with a price . . . the word: INSPIRE, means something completely different to me now. It used to be something I did - something that I was good at. It has now become something like, "I thought I was doing that." I am paying the price of being a teacher - the downs. The moments that you never see coming because you love doing what you do. BUT! It's when you have completely fallen on your face, you begin to realize, "What has just happened?" and Why? Who said that teaching has to stop at just teaching? Are you not supposed to feel . . . ? Because now, my heart is feeling the pain - of teaching . . . the harsh reality that investing time + interest + honesty = nights filled with sorrow. INSPIRE. Confused about who you are becoming once teaching has ended for the day- a buddy? a friend? a mentor? INSPIRE . . . a memory? EVERYTHING has become a memory? That's what takes your breath away for a moment. You know that sudden gasp of air that comes from shock? Yeah - that. 

Belief would be strong in your mind - BELIEVE and INSPIRE are now 2 words, "I thought I was doing that." As a result of 'paying the price' - Your actions become more unknown to you, yet always with pure intentions, but lacking in reason. Sometimes, you go home in hopes that someone out there needs you - a student to INSPIRE. Students who INSPIRE you. 'the price' is the loss - the "I don't think I can do this anymore" IF INSPIRE means the opposite, the UN. Too invested . . . how not? The growth depends on that - right? Others say - wrong. "To teach is to touch lives forever." - if only in memory then what's the worth? INSPIRE = It Never Separates People Into a Reversed Effect.

2009